Fighting with Birds

Monday morning, about seven in the morning. I left the house in a hurry to make it to work on time but I had time for the normal morning check list:

Snooze the alarm three times after when I needed to get up - Check

Wake up in a frenzy - Check

Realize I have no time for breakfast let alone a shower - Check

Get dressed in the dark - Check

Brush teeth and leave little white triangles in the corner of my mouth - Check

Leave my hair in such a way as to inspire fear in others - Check

And I was ready for my morning.

So I was walking down the street hurrying for the bus and of course it's packed. Which is just how I like it.

I squeeze myself onto the bus making sure to keep my elbows up just incase some people were confused if I was trying to get on the bus or if I was just stopping by to say hello.

So with that the sweatiest bus ride I've ever taken began. It was magical. There was someone in the back listening to what one might list as "rap" music. I imagined that the person was an up and comer in the industry and was trying to catch the attention of a young producer starved for new talent. (As far as I know no contracts were signed during the trip)

There was someone next to me who smelled like a beautiful spring day awash with flowers and sweet sweet garbage. My nostrils filled with the odor and it brought me back to my days working with the local prison crew cleaning up the hills surrounding the industrial waste plant in my home town. I wasn't in prison mind you I just went for the companionship and to relish in my own freedom. It helped to put things into perspective and didn't hurt my street cred.

At the next stop more like minded people piled in. Our bodies pressed together like sardines in a jar of freshly pressed olive oil. I found myself very close, almost awkwardly close, to a woman on the bus. I could sense the tension so I leaned gently in and whispered in her ear "you smell nice". I whispered of course to avoid any other passengers getting confused and thinking I was speaking to them.

Feeling rather intoxicated by the stench sweat, garbage, and head and shoulders for women I took the time to serenade the bus. My one man a cappella version of "Face Down Ass Up" stunned the bus into an awed silence. As I was being thrown off the bus (only a few blocks away from my stop, phew!) I caught a glimpse of the woman with the nice smelling hair, she was crying, one can only assume from sheer happiness.

And so my day began. I couldn't have felt more connected to the human race and I was in giddy anticipation for my train ride downtown.

Hey Gurl...whatchu you dooooooin'

When I was 16 years old I decided that it would be in my best interest to scour the internet to locate the best pickup lines. And by best of course I mean the worst. I found such Gems as "Your eyes are like diamonds, and diamonds are expensive and so are eye replacements. And baby...you need eye replacements." That was probably one of the tamer ones which should tell you how good my chances with these were.

At 10 am on a Saturday I did what any good teenager would do with a full day of nothing to do. I made a sandwich, packed all fifteen pages of pickup lines I found, and got in my car to go to the mall.

Now the mall was about twenty minutes away so I had plenty of time to think about a game plan. Two main issues with my quest. One, I needed to make sure that no one called mall security and I got kicked out before enough research had been completed. Two, I needed to have a good web laid out to really get things moving, I couldn't waste time picking up ladies in the cinnabun line, even though those gooey buns called to me like sirens to wayward sailors only to dash them on the rocks of obesity.

The main event went as smoothly as one could hope. A few chuckles here, a slap or two there, and before you knew it fifteen pages and four hours of my life had blown by.

I was single when I went to the mall and I came out just as single...but I did learn a very good lesson. When you're bored and you think that it'd be really great to waste time by hitting on random women at a mall in a town outside of Milwaukee Wisconsin...do it.

There is literally nothing wrong with it.